There are distinct differences between the feelings of shame and guilt. Although both leave us feeling pretty crummy, anxious, “less than”, unworthy, unloved, and so on.
According to Dr. June Tangney, on the Speaking of Psychology podcast episode 255, shame is something we feel about ourselves, not a behavior. “We are fundamentally flawed because we did something. It reflects on who we are as a person. I’m a bad person for having done that.” Whereas guilt is a feeling that is geared towards a behavior that we feel bad for doing or not doing.
She goes on to say that individuals who are prone to shaming themselves, are prone to behavioral disorders and neurosis. However, there is a positive to this, it can be managed.
I bring this up because I have noticed how shame makes people act in certain ways. They put up a front that everything is okay, they keep themselves well-kept and they’re also desperate to be liked and viewed as a good person. And likely, they are a good person!
The shame they are feeling for whatever reason is telling them they’re not a good person, they’re not worthy of love, they need to do or be something else to earn connection.
It also tends to make a person very self-centered because they’re always worrying about how they’re being perceived.
In a recent interaction, I caught someone in a lie. I know why they hid the truth, they didn’t want to upset me or lose me. However, I found out anyway. The truth will always prevail and the lie, although I know it has nothing to do with me, is hurtful and not something I am willing to tolerate.
Rather than piling on more shame, I have stayed firm on boundaries already set and giving the opportunity for confession. The boundaries are there for my own protection but it also creates room to breathe for both parties.
When lying is evident regarding a behavior, one person needs to sort out the thought processes and actions. They need to separate behavior and reactions from self.
The other person, myself in this case, needs distance for protection but also to not try to control the situation. The last thing I want to do is inadvertently add more shame to the situation.
My “helpfulness” was not being very helpful and only leading to both being hurt. I am strong enough to take a few steps back and give breathing room. It’s not easy, by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s necessary and the right thing.
I know what it’s like to carry shame.
I’m not sure where the shame I’ve felt came from. Sometimes it’s passed down the lineage, sometimes it’s embedded so deep and repressed.
I remember reading a Brene Brown book, and talking with a former client the other year, and learning the difference between guilt and shame for the first time. And it was one of many lightbulb moments.
It wasn’t instantaneous. There were a few flickers before the concept finally sank in and made sense to me. Then I was finally able to work on releasing the shame by taking a different perspective in my own life.
I started looking through a different filter. I am not responsible, nor can I be responsible, for everything that happens around me - at work, in my family or friend relationships, even the outside world.
I had to start sorting through what is and is not in my control. When I started seeing what I am actually responsible for versus what I felt responsible for I was better able to understand guilt, and take ownership when necessary.
I also started to be able to relax a little bit more, become a bit more sure of who I am because it was no longer tied to behaviors or my past.
Finding people and ways to share pieces of my story, allowing my story to be out in the open rather than continuously trying to hide it and squash it down, helped to release some of the shame that I felt. I realize that hiding parts of us that we don’t necessarily like or regret pile on shameful feelings and hold us back.
Let it breathe! Unpack it!
Think of it this way, when it comes to our past. It’s done. We can’t change it, what we did or did not do. It’s okay to feel bad about something that happened. What’s not okay is to hang that over our heads for the rest of our lives as if that’s benefiting anyone.
When feeling bad about something that we did or did not do, what’s the lesson? If faced with a similar situation, what would be done differently?
Hindsight is 20/20 for a reason. When we see things differently, more clearly, we’ve learned something and have to take that lesson with us to move differently going forward. That’s the only reason for looking back, not to feel shame about it, but to gain something from it.
Squashing experiences down doesn’t allow for learning, growth or changed behaviors. And behaviors don’t have to become our identity unless we allow it.
They’re changeable.
I am someone who used to eat probably a cup of peanut butter out of the jar after school. Now I portion it and am just as satisfied (if not more so).
I used to deal with my stress and emotions with junk food, primarily sweets, but just copious amounts of food in general. Now, I’ve maintained a 100lb weight loss for several years, am dubbed The Meal Prep Queen and enjoy eating healthier meals and not overindulging to the point of sickness.
I used to drown my emotions, shame and lack of worthiness with alcohol. It was no big deal to come home from work and drink a bottle of wine. Or get myself drunk to try not to feel a broken heart - and it didn’t matter if I was alone, I didn’t want anyone to see me being a mess.
I feel things very deeply and for a long time it felt “too much” and like I was too much. I didn’t know how to deal. I had to learn, and I did by changing my behaviors.
My identity didn’t change. In fact, I probably stepped more fully into my true self after changing the bad behaviors and replacing them with ones that are more fulfilling and purposeful.
Taking control and responsibility of my life helped me to feel lighter, to release the shame I was carrying for no reason. People would tell me I’m a good person, have a heart of gold, few flaws and still I believed the lies from the past. It wasn’t until I could think and feel clearer, not clouded with substances, that I was able to untangle the mess inside.
It’s a process. It’s not easy but it is simple.
I recommend finding a good therapist or counselor. Have a good friend nearby who can help you to see the truth about yourself (but at some point you’ll need to take them at their word). Take a more objective look at situations you’ve faced.
Talk to yourself the way you would to a friend who needed your support.
If there’s something that needs to be addressed and changed, do that. Then move forward.
Rinse and repeat.
Just know that if you’re holding shame, it’s holding you back. And it doesn’t need to.
It doesn’t need to change you and take you away from the life you were meant to live.
You just have to be willing to get help and make the change for a better tomorrow.
It’s not too late.
Mills, K. (2023). Speaking of Psychology: What’s the difference between guilt and shame? With June Tangney, PhD. Apa.org. https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/guilt-shame