It’s been a minute since I’ve done any writing for public eyes. I do plenty of writing for myself, between God and me. I’ve been having a tough time sitting down and making time to write for all of you.
For a long time now, or what seems to be a long time, I’ve been feeling a pull to slow down.
I’m an overachiever. A doer. Someone who’s always striving for something. Lately, I want to know what it feels like to just simply be. To be content in who I am, in what I’m doing, to know that it’s enough.
God has a way of making us listen, if we aren’t or if we’re only going halfway.
I’ve slowed myself down to focus on my walks again. I miss structured workouts, but I have been adding more stress on myself, being concerned with whether or not I’m getting it done with enough time to shower, eat, and go into my next client session.
I’ve slowed myself down enough to start coloring again, taking time for a hobby that has no purpose other than to bring me joy.
I’ve slowed down enough to have more late mornings, slower mornings than ever before. Only two, maybe three days a week, do I have someone “early,” and compared to the schedules I used to keep with clients, and the jobs I worked before, it’s not that early.
There’s still a part of me that has felt unsettled. I know that I am not where I want to be yet, and I am aware that no one ever really “arrives”. We’re all learning as we go and responding appropriately, making alterations and adjustments along the way. We only arrive when we pass and, hopefully, meet Jesus.
I haven’t quite put my finger on where else I’m overstretching myself. So I take more time to read the Bible, talk with God, and write out what’s on my mind. I take more time to search for answers, but also to just be present. Stillness tends to be where the webs get untangled and clearer answers come to mind. Stillness is not my strong suit, particularly in the last 5 years.
Alas, here I am on a Monday night, not rushing out of work to choral practice, to come home, feed my cats, and head off to bed. I’m home. Home with a broken toe and a nail in my tire. Forced to stay put. And you know what? I’m okay with that. This month has had its run of “bad luck” and, to be honest, I realized that I haven’t gotten down about it like I would have before.
I laugh about the broken toe, and roll my eyes about the tire. The tire is more annoying only because I wanted to run a few errands...”slow down”, He says.
There’s another change on the horizon. I don’t know when it will come or if it will happen the way I hope/anticipate/expect. It’s just a feeling. One that, again, I’ve had for a while. Like many people, I don’t exactly jump for joy over change, but I know it’s a necessary part of life. And this one is necessary. I think it’s more so the anticipation of when it’ll happen and how it’ll transpire.
In the meantime, I have plenty on my plate to manage and more stillness to create in my life. The temptations to go back to old habits of scrolling, adding another thing to my plate, searching for ways to occupy my mind and time are there. It’s liberating and empowering to just stay focused on what’s here, to listen for the next step rather than taking a blind leap, and to just be.
It’s ok to slow the pace down, to stop and smell the roses, to photograph the everyday beauty in life. Time passes quickly enough, enjoy the little moments when you can.